Tired but Shiny

Soooo, the pity party brigade has been dismissed. I have dusted myself off and decided that I no longer "wish" to check the "I feel like a burden to others constantly" and "I get little enjoyment out of things" boxes on the check-up sheet my psych doc makes me fill out EVERY time I see her (reaffirming once a month that I feel generally sucky).

I have officially started to "volunteer", or "intern", at my husbands office. I am disabled, and I haven't worked at all for three years. I am unable to hold a real paying job, but I (and Isaac) felt that a lot of my frustration and anger directed at myself was because I felt I was useless and that I was incapable of contributing to society again. Long story short:

Isaac's co-workers know his wife (me) is disabled. He decided to send word around to see if anyone needed an extra FREE set of hands to help. Lo and behold, and wonderful woman, we'll call her Ms. T, wanted my help BADLY. She is a manager, and for some unknown reason does not have a full-time assistant (which in my estimation, she needs...and she has previously asked for one). Anyways, Isaac had worked with her in the past and gave rave reviews, so I said alrighty, lets see how this goes. It also helped that she was in a department I'm interested in.

Ms. T is amazing and is fine with me just helping out a couple hours a week/bi-monthly. I already helped her with one project TELECOMMUTING (which I was looking for), and I felt so accomplished when I was done. The best description I can think of is that I felt tired but shiny. Ms. T knows right now I'm kinda putting my pinky toe in the kiddie pool of the work world, so she's not pushing me for hours or anything....she did set aside a cubicle for me *smiles*. AND, for goodies, I have an official company laptop that I use when I work from home *more smiles*.

So, right now, I am terrified of failure (chalk that up to my childhood, meh), but I am still trying. I may have a panic attack or two along the road, but that just tests out how good my mascara is, right?  :-D 

choked Life, heimliched

"Holy Crap, I never have to worry about my rent goingup again!". This pops into my head probably every two weeks since June when Isaac and I became bonafide 'american dream' homeowners. It's perfect for our future family that hopefully includes a child (maybe 2 for good luck i.e. one of them would be able to donate part of their liver to the other or whatever....just sayin'. I think my parents had 4 kids just in case they needed donors or something).

I stopped my ECT treatments for my bipolar because it became ridiculously expensive and I honestly started having panic attacks before every treatment. I'd walk into the room where they did anesthesia and treatment, and I'd start crying the minute I layed down on the gurney. At that point, I decided the costs far outweighed the benefits. It has been a test of sanity, endurance and Tums to get to the right medicine coctail since then. Still working on it but I think the level of acceptable social behavior is within reach...not that I care about social convention and what is considered normal, but rather my desire to at least function in some capacity somewhere within it.

I am now seeing a specialist for my fibromyalgia. My very first visit, I was dismayed to hear that my prior doctor had had me on half the recommended dose for effective FM treatment. Basically ALL the studies done for this FM drug had shown that X amount of the drug helped....I was getting 1/2 X :-(  If I could make a simultaneous angry/sad emoticon, I would. So far, it is helping and I'm doing a little better. I have started to exercise again (only a little though!!!!) and am feeling less down on myself for being utterly pathetic with my inability to do ANYTHING. Now, I can occasionally do stuff that I couldn't before- seemingly little things that other people sometimes take for granted (i.e. putting on freakin' socks, or even just eating). I am pretty much elated and ecstatic when I put my own shoes on- I always proudly proclaim that I don't need my husbands help when we're getting ready to go out :-)

I found out recently I have hypothyroidism (by the same new doctor sent from heaven above that reccomended my FM specialist). Apparently the conditions I had mentioned to the previous doctor were not taken into consideration and a simple blood test was never taken. Anyways, long story short, we are at a stable thyroid level, I stopped gaining weight (and started to lose some!!), and my appetite is more stable/consistent. I am good to go for 6 months before another check-up needs to be done. YAY!!!!!

Ummm, I'd say that's about it, but it's more like, "okay, I'll shut-up now and stop my epic post." There's lots more weird and fun tidbits (i.e. my sister is now MARRIED!!!! WOOOT!!!) but I'll save that for another day ;-)

Time Flies

So, umm, this is a tad awkward. It's like running into an ex 5 years after losing total contact and moving on with your life...... so I'm back and this time I'm gonna actually blog about my goings-on.

I have a really good reason for not being here for my webpage- the memory of it was literally zapped out of my brain! I am currently receiving ECT treatments for my bi-polar disorder (electroconvulsive therapy) and it causes A LOT of short-term memory loss; especially when you're treated every 2 weeks or so. I basically have to be babysat all day afterwards, and it causes FM flare-ups that last anywhere from 2-4 days so I can't work right now, which sucks donkey balls.

I was dx'd w/ bi-polar about 9 years ago, and since then it has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs, meds and no meds, alcohol and drug abuse, hospitalization, etc. But here's the amazing part- in that time I still graduated H.S., got scholarships for college and graduated with a degree, and am currently getting my certification for medical transcriptioning just for shits and giggles (since I can't work due to the fibromyalgia and constant ECT treatments, I was getting stir-crazy).

I'll probably go into more detail about all of the above, but the most important thing I want to get across is that I believe I will get better, that I am getting a little better every day, and that even though these things (these problems/illnesses) suck and aren't fair, they make me who I am. How I decide to deal with what has been given to me makes my life either positive or negative. I choose positive and happy, even if it can't be that way every day. "Life is what you make of it."

Hello to Me!

I'm new to PNN, but I have a lot going on in my world, so in theory I shouldn't run out of things to talk about. I have a crazy hispanic family and we all live within a 1 mile radius in the great Northwest. I have a Shih Tsu named Sofi that thinks she's a cat (or a monkey), and a techie husband (Isaac) that goes even beyond my geek-dom.

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia 2 years ago, and I'm still learning to live with it. It hasn't killed my sense of humor, but it has messed with my quadriceps. I am slowly regaining the life I thought I was losing, and I'll be damned if anyone tells me I can't do something (i.e. going to all of the Walt Disney World theme parks in Florida in one week. boo-ya!).

I'm looking for friends, and fun stuff to talk about. I like hearing different opinions and views (debate was created by the gods. Lol). Drop me a line if you have any questions!